This Kid's Not All Right
by supertrip
Summary: A battle of the bands goes totally insane!
1. Battle of the Bands

A one-shot challenge. I do not own any characters except Fifi, M, and Big C.

WARNING: This fan fiction is rated NC-17 because of the epic breakdown.

* * *

Meet the contestants:

Sam

Fifi

Owen

Ezekiel

Dakota

Anne Maria

Eva

Izzy

Staci

M

Big C

Gabumon

Bmo

Princess Bubblegum

Fluttershy

Spike

Sunset Shimmer

The Great and Powerful Trixie

Snips

Snails

Rarity

Gwen

Cindy Vortex

Jimmy Neutron

Trent

Professor Ratigan

Discord

B

* * *

Battle of the Bands: Post-merger

* * *

"Today's challenge is a battle of the bands," said Chris McLean. "The first band to perform today will be Owen, Eva, Gabumon, and Fifi."

"I still don't know what I'm doing," said Owen. Fifi started playing blues guitar.

"Fuck!" yelled Eva, as her voice crashed as loudly as her drum kit.

Then Gabumon started singing.

_Troubles coming for the free men._  
_We shake them, shake them with the free hand._  
_So stand tall, shout out with me._

_Do your dirty work without me._  
_Say you're best when no one can see._  
_Stand up, catch fire with me._

"This kid, this kid, this kid, this kid, this kid," repeated the band members.

_This kid's not alright._  
_This kid's not alright._  
_This kid's not alright._  
_But this kid's not alright._

_I've been sleeping with these,_  
_I've been sleeping with these thoughts, man_  
_I've been contemplating singing them._  
_So stand up, catch fire with me._

(This kid, this kid, this kid, this kid, this kid)

_You can follow them to hell._

_This kid's not alright._  
_This kid's not alright._  
_This kid's not alright._  
_But this kid's not alright._

_I'm scared, I may derail._

_You can follow them to hell._  
_You can follow them to hell._  
_You can follow them to hell._  
_You can follow them to hell._  
_You can follow them to hell._

_This kid's not alright._  
_You can follow them to hell._  
_This kid's not alright._  
_You can follow them to hell._  
_This kid's not alright._  
_You can follow them to hell._  
_But this kid's not alright._

Gabumon slid on his knees as the contestants cheered wildly.

* * *

CONFESSIONAL:

"Wolf boy was right," said Izzy. "One of those kids isn't all right."

"I have a bad feeling about this," whined Big C.

"This story is about to go downhill on a tangent," said Jimmy.

* * *

"Okay, now Trent, Spike, Discord, Anne Maria, and Sunset Shimmer will perform..." said Chris.

Trixie started muttering a curse in Latin. After reciting the chant, her horn glowed.

"I belong with you, you belong with me in my sweet home..." sang Trent as he strummed his guitar.

"We don't want that folk crap, you know?" suggested Anne Maria.

Spike then cleared his throat as electronic rock music started playing behind him. Then he started singing...

_It's bugging me, grating me_  
_And twisting me around_  
_Yeah I'm endlessly caving in_  
_And turning inside out, 'cause..._

Instead of singing "I want it now", Spike was roaring and screeching brutally.

"Am I shrinking?" wondered Izzy. "Or am I deaf?"

"No, look!" said B-MO as he pointed at almost everyone. "Everyone's growing into hideous monsters!"

Ezekiel, Dakota, M, Bubblegum, Spike, Sunset Shimmer, Snips, Snails, Jimmy, and Ratigan were indeed transforming extremely painfully.

"And there's another nigger!" said Snips the demon. He was talking about M, who was now a 234 foot tall slime monster.

"Look, a bigger nigger!" screamed Snails, who was also a demon. He was talking about Princess Bubblegum.

B bitch slapped Snails.

"Change my pitch up, smack my bitch up!" cheered Rarity. "WAH!" Then Spike clutched the pony, squeezing her guts out.

Jimmy was now orange Hulked out, repeatedly smashing Cindy's head onto a giant boulder.

"Neutron... YOU... ARE... ONE... DEAD... MOTHERFUCKER!" screeched Cindy, whose skull was bleeding profusely. Then he bit her head off. Chef Hatchet threw shuriken stars at Jimmy, cutting off his throat.

Spike picked up Eva and snapped her spine like a piece of celery. He then threw her dead body into the lake, then the savage dragon swallowed the Gollum Ezekiel in one gulp.

M picked up Staci and started fucking her.

"Ride me like a cowboy, muthafucka!" said Staci. "Did you know my parents invented sex?"

Gabumon spit out a blizzard, forming a block of ice to trip any monsters. Princess Bubblegum tripped over the ice, fell into the lake and drowned. Then Fifi stripped naked, showing off her big tits and hairy pussy. Then a motorboat crashed on her head, and she bled out.

Gwen returned from the restroom, carrying a boombox that was blasting out Third Eye Blind's greatest hits. She dropped the music player on Professor Ratigan, who was now foaming out the mouth, crushing him to death.

M stomped on Chris and Chef. Big C was shocked, so he recited an Ancient Chinese chant. He slowly grew bat wings and his hands were holding blowtorches.

"Shit just got real!" said Big C. "Now that I'm host..." he burnt Sunset Shimmer and Dakota to a crisp. "I'm going in for the kill." Then he handed Gabumon and Fluttershy the blowtorches.

"Ow," said Gabumon. "This is heavy."

"I know, right?" agreed Fluttershy.

"Hold on, I've got an idea," said Sam as he set down his 3DS. "Let's throw oranges at M, and swords at Snips and Snails."

"NO!" yelled two voices.

"You can't do this! M was like a son to me!" insisted Discord.

"And I need those retards to be my bitches," warned Trixie.

"Who cares," said Anne Maria. "If you need them? They're freaks of nature that don't deserve to live!"

She threw an aerosol can at the three remaining mutants. The one that hit M was orange scented, which caused the giant to implode, covering everyong in slime. Since Snips and Snails were allergic to this slime, they died of a massive heart attack.

* * *

Back at the stage, Trent was still playing his acoustic guitar to entertain Owen.

"I guess you win the challenge by default, Trent," said Owen. "You stayed on stage the longest."

* * *

After a very long funeral, Sam, Owen, Anne Maria, Izzy, Staci, Big C, Gabumon, Bmo, Discord, Fluttershy, Trixie, Gwen, Trent, and B gathered by the campfire.

"Who started this?!" yelled Big C. "If I don't hear an answer in the next 30 seconds..."

"I heard Trixie reciting a Latin omen!" yelled Gabumon. "I couldn't understand her, but when her horn started to glow, Spike started singing brutal death metal like Paris Hilton!"

"Uh... Paris Hilton isn't even a death metal singer," said Gwen.

"Trixie, give me your hat, cape, wand, pendant, and spell book," commanded Big C. "You've been eliminated from the island."

Just as Trixie stripped herself, the surviving contestants heard what could be best described as a parakeet crossed with a tyrannosaurus rex.

"Jason Kreis, Spike's still alive!" yelled Izzy.

"Hey, you can't take the Son of God's name in vain!" said Anne Maria.

"No, she took a soccer player's name in vain," explained Discord. "Let's go!" The draconequus snapped his fingers and teleported everyone to the stage.

* * *

Back at the stage, the Beatles (Bret Michaels, Adolf Hitler, Waluigi, and Riolu) were fighting Spike. Then the dragon burnt Riolu with a lime-green flame.

"Du hast unser Schlagzeuger getötet!" yelled Hitler.

Bret tried to electrocute Spike with his microphone, Hitler smacked Spike with his burning guitar, and Waluigi, being Waluigi, tied Spike down with his bass guitar strings.

But this all failed, and Spike broke free.

"Quick, play Dio's greatest hits!" said Bret Michaels. Waluigi pulled out an iPhone and selected an album by Dio. But it wasn't the heavy metal Dio. It was some shitty ass Dutch rapper.

_Ze kijken me aan, zeggen dat moet hem zijn. Jep precies wat je had moeten zijn en bij deze wil ik iedereen mn excuses aanbieden, ik had nooit zo'n fackin dope rapper moeten zijn. Maar het spijt me, homie begrijp me, als jij het niet doet, doe ik het voor ons beiden._

_Ik ga veel te hard, schatje blijf bij me, anders ben ik weg, anders ben ik pleite. PEACE. Whattup, hoeisset, wie wie wie is het?_  
_Fans in de game die kunnen me niet missen, rappers in de game die kunnen me niet dissen en als ik me niet vergis, dan kan ik me niet vergissen. Ik ben aan, jep ik ben moeilijk. Ja ik ben een bom en ik doe niet eens moeite. Baby bevoel me, maar raak me niet aan. Dus gap pak je spullen, nigga laten we gaan. En daarna ben ik weg!_

"ScheiBe!" yelled Hitler.

And yes, Spike was raging everywhere now, with no sign of slowing down.

"Nice job, Adolf!" snapped Bret.

Just then, Big C and the contestants arrived at the scene of the crime.

"Who are you?" said

"_Wir sind die Beatles_," said Adolf Hitler.

"No, you're Adolf Hitler," said Izzy.

"What seems to be the problem," said Trent.

"We trying to kill dragon, but muthafucka no listen!" said Waluigi. "Dumbass Hitler wanted play heavy metal, but Waluigi picked shit rapper."

"Wait the fuck up," said Big C. "What did the dragon look like?"

"I'm blind," said Bret Michaels. "He was about two feet tall, looked like a lizard, red and yellow, long whiskers, sounded like a nigger."

"That's not fucking funny!" said Discord. "Tell the truth."

"About two stories tall, purple and green, all spiky and shit, didn't speak English," said Waluigi.

"_Ja, er ist es," _confirmed Hitler.

"Well gang," said Gabumon. "We've got to kill a dragon. Big C, read us one of Trixie's spells."

"Please?" begged B-MO.

"Well, all right," said Big C, who was dressed as the great and powerful pony. (Trixie was now on her way back to Equestria on a motor boat) Big C cleared his throat, and started to recite the first spell.

_"Tell me, do you think it'd be alright if I could Just crash here tonight? As you see I'm in no shape for drivin', and any way I've got no place to go. And you know it might not be that bad. You were the best I ever had. If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago, I might not be alone. Tomorrow we can drive around this town, and let the cops chase us around. The past is gone but something might be found to take its place. Hey jealousy!"_

At first, nothing. Then Big C turned into a skunk.

"Goddamn it!" he said. "B-MO, you're our only hope! Hurry, because I hear booming steps!"

Fluttershy pulled the spell book up to B-Mo, who then started reading another spell.

_I would swallow my pride, I would choke on the rinds, b__ut the lack thereof would leave me empty inside. __Swallow my doubt turn it inside out. __Find nothin' but faith in nothin'. __Want to put my tender, heart in a blender. __Watch it spin around to a beautiful oblivion. __Rendezvous then I'm through with you._

Bret, Hitler, and Waluigi turned into real beetles. Then Timon and Pumbaa showed up from out of nowhere and ate them. Staci was annoyed, so she grabbed the gun that her grandfather had invented. She riddled them with bullets until they bled out.

* * *

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

"Yipe," said Fluttershy, who hid behind Discord.

"Fuck," said Gabumon. "Trent, did you do that?"

"Mmm, no," said Trent. "I think it's Spike."

"SPIKE!?" screamed everyone who was still alive.

The frightening dragon was on his way, destroying, raping, pillaging, murdering, and burning everyone and everything in sight. Soon man and beast came together.

B signaled for everyone to hide in random places, as Spike took everybody's belonings.

"Here's the game plan," said Big C, who was now a human again. "Discord creates some airplanes for us to lead an air assault against Spike. Then we have him and Trixie arrested."

"I'm on it, cunt," said Discord. He and Fluttershy took to the skies, shooting at free will.

"Fuck! Why the fuck isn't he fucking hurt!?" yelled Discord. He waved his arms in a gesture. "Oh shit..." He instantly turned to stone, then Spike smashed the stone statue into smithereens.

"It is because dragons are impervious to magic," explained Sam. "I heard so in Dungeons and Dragons."

"What?" said B-Mo.

"That means that magic will never work on a dragon," expressed Fluttershy.

"So that means that Spike can't be a cute baby anymore?" gasped Owen.

"Yup," said Anne Maria sadly.

"Guys," said Big C, reading Trixie's spell book. "I think I've got a fool-proof master plan."

"Last time, you got Spike growing even taller!" hissed Staci. "Gimme that!" She then started to read a chant...

Staci: _Avada Kedavra! What a wonderful curse._

Sam: _Avada Kedavra! They don't get any worse_.

Staci: _It means no Spikey, better call him a hearse..._

"Okay, he's a hearse," said Owen.

Staci: _It's my trouble-free, artillery..._

Everyone: _Avada Kedavra!_

Staci picked up Trixie's wand, which started to glow. "I wish for... all the inventions my ancestors have ever made!"

Bad idea. Spike saw Staci's hoard, then he swallowed her whole and grew even taller and scarier.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

"I hear thunder... but there's no rain..." said Gabumon. Then he and Fluttershy were struck by lightning. They survived, but were knocked unconscious.

Just then, Snips and Snails came back from the dead, as normal ponies again.

"Snails, make your horn grow," said Snips.

"Finally, I don't need to listen to those bitches," said Snails. His horn started to glow as it grew to 50 miles long. Sam fashioned the horn into a sword, killing Snails again.

* * *

CONFESSIONAL:

"But it was a mercy kill," insisted Sam. "He was a zombie!"

* * *

"Okay, it's time for me to save the world," thought Sam. Holding the world's longest sword, he piggy backed on B-Mo, and threw the sword right through Spike's gut. Spike started coughing up blood, which spewed all over Big C's body. Spike fell to the ground, deader than dead.

"Uh-oh..." said Big C. "I'm gonna owe my broadcasters billions for the brutal property damages! How can I wish away the dead bodies and debris?" He picked up the spell book, which was already falling apart. "In order to set everything back to normal, you must kill a unicorn and drink its blood."

So Big C killed Snips for the second time by ripping off his front hooves. He licked Snips' bleeding legs, and sent him to the glue factory.

* * *

It was a very sad day at Pakhitew Island, said the narrator. Fluttershy was devastated that Discord mercy killed himself. Although Sam saved the day, he would never get over the loss of Dakota.

The Great and Powerful Trixie was arrested for inciting chaos, but she was cleared of all charges because there was no photographic proof.

* * *

Epilogue:

Gabumon woke up, with a massive pain in the ass. It was Fluttershy, who was sewn to his asshole like the Human Centipede.

"NO!" screamed the Digimon.

* * *

Fates:

Alive: Sam, Owen, Anne Maria, Izzy, Big C, Gabumon, Bmo, Fluttershy, Trixie, Gwen, Trent, and B

Dead: Fifi (crushed by a motorboat), Ezekiel (vored by Spike), Dakota (burnt to ashes by Big C), Eva (spine snapped by Spike), M (exploded after being hit by Anne Maria's aerosol can), Bubblegum (drowned by Gabumon), Sunset Shimmer (burnt by Big C), Snails (mercy killed by Sam), Rarity (suffocated by Spike), Cindy (bleeding head bitten off by Jimmy), Jimmy (throat slit by Chef Hatchet), Ratigan (crushed by Gwen), Bret Michaels (eaten by Timon), Hitler (eaten by Pumbaa), Waluigi (eaten by Timon), Riolu (burnt by Spike), Timon and Pumbaa (shot dead by Staci), Discord (turned himself to stone, then smashed to bits by Spike), Staci (eaten alive by Spike), Spike (impaled with brutal justice by Sam), Snips (made into glue)


	2. THe Aftermath

Narrated by Big C.

The mass destruction caused $100 million in damage. I could not afford to pay the damages, so after I had drunk Snips' blood and sent him to the glue factory, I was expecting everything to go back to normal.

Unfortunately, the surviving campers were too scared. I wondered why...

Massive footsteps covered everyone's voices. We all knew that Spike was back from the dead.

"TRIXIE!" I screamed. "YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR FROM COURTNEY'S LAWYERS!"

"Get the gun," said Owen. "I'm going Moon Byung Woo on your ass!"

"Oh shit," said Anne Maria. "Don't make me get out the bugspray!"

Gwen returned with horrible news.

"Fluttershy is back and hulked out!" she announced.

"We have to do something," said Owen. "Let our powers combine. Earth!"

"Fire!" I yelled.

"Wind!" cheered Anne Maria.

"Water!" muttered Gabumon, with Fluttershy's mouth still sewn to his ass.

"Heart!" added B-Mo.

"GO, PLANET!" we yelled.

Captain Planet appeared from out of nowhere.

"What seems to be the matter?" he asked us.

"A dragon is destroying the forest!" yelled Trent.

"Hold it right there!" said Captain Planet as he flew towards the newly revived Spike, who still had a scar from his sword wound. "I command you to stop this chaos immediately!"

But Spike didn't listen. He roared and swatted the captain into the distance.

"Oh shit," said Izzy. "Let's get the Incredible Hulk!"

A Brazilian soccer player named Hulk appeared. He started kicking Spike's ass literally.

"This is the weirdest day in my entire life," admitted Gwen.

"Uh-oh, I feel it!" yelled Gabumon. And indeed, Fluttershy was hulking out too. Her mouth finally tore out of Gabumon, and she let out a bellowing roar.

* * *

A Korean pole vaulter named Kim Yoo Suk came onto the island.

"You need help?" he asked me.

"Yeah, try throwing that pole through the dragon," I told Yoo Suk.

So Yoo Suk threw his pole toward Spike... but it impaled Fluttershy.

"KIM, YOU SUCK!" yelled B-Mo.

Anne Maria carried an aerosol can full of mace.

"I've got mace, and I'm not afraid to use it!" she screeched as she sprayed pepper onto Spike's eyes. Spike screeched in agony, and we tied him down like a roasted pig.

B picked up Dakota's cell phone and sent a text message to his girlfriend Dawn. "We need animal control!"

I hurried with Sam, Owen, Anne Maria, Izzy, Hulk, Yoo Suk, Gabumon, B-Mo, Gwen, and Trent to the Boat of Shame, which could fit every single contestant (all 40 of them), but most of them were killed in the utter chaos.

"Big C, you're going to pay for killing Dakota," said Sam sternly.

"I just had to take measures into my own hands!" I explained. "I was worried that she would mutate like Spike!"

"Let's roll," said B-Mo. Trent started the engine, and Owen watched from the top of the flagpole.

"B!" yelled Gabumon. "We've got to get out of this place!"

B did some sign language, which translated as (I have to wait for someone to kill the monster!

"Ooh, I love charades!" said Owen. "Let's see, you're trying to tell us that we should watch Disney's _Beauty and the Beast?_"

"No, Owen," said Trent. "He's called for someone to kill Spike."

A blonde girl wearing a green sweater arrived on the island.

"Hi, I'm Dawn," said the girl. She embraced B. "My aura tells me that chaos is here on Camp Wawanakwa."

B nodded and pointed at Spike.

"I've got a shrink ray and I'm not afraid to use it," warned Anne Maria, toting a ray gun. She zapped the savage dragon, shrinking the beast to the size of an iPhone. Gabumon then hid Spike underneath his fur coat.

"OUCH!" he yelled, feeling a burning sensation.

"Dawn and B, get on the damn boat!" said Anne Maria.

Trent restarted the engine and we sped our way back to Las Vegas to watch the showgirls.

Unfortunately, Spike grew back to giant size right in the middle of the lake.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

So we had to re-enact _Life of Pi. _Owen, Hulk, Yoo Suk, Gwen, and Trent all jumped out of the boat in pure fear and drowned in the icy water.

"We need to get this fucker under control!" said Izzy. "Hey you over there, with the long hair!" She called for Dawn. "What's your superpower?"

"I read auras for a living," explained Dawn. "This tells me about a person's true nature."

"Yeah, what we're dealing with is the largest dragon known to mankind," said Sam.

"Clocking in at 755 km tall... oh, nigger," said B-Mo.

_I said that I'mma ride for my motherfuckin' nigga  
Most likely I'mma die with my finger on the trigger  
I've been grindin outside all day with my niggas  
And I ain't goin' in unless I'm with my nigga  
My nigga, my nigga  
My nigga, my nigga (My motherfuckin' niggas!)  
My nigga, my nigga (My nigga, my nigga)  
My nigga, my nigga_

Dawn floated up to Spike as we all cowered in fear.

"I can read his thoughts," said Dawn.

"If I turn into another, dig me up from under what is covering the better part of me. Sing this song! Remind me that we'll always have each other when everything else is gone," resonated the voice of a little boy.

"You see, he was tricked by somebody to become a greedy feral sadist!" insisted Gabumon.

"All he wanted was a friend," said Dawn as she hugged the hideous dragon. Just then, Spike shrunk down to about 2 feet tall.

* * *

At the trial:

"Trixie Lulamoon and Spike the Dragon," said Judge Dredd. "You are sentenced to 25 to life for these heartless killings!"

"But dragons live for thousands of years," protested Spike. "Trixie will be dead by the time I leave on parole!"

"Hello," said a voice. It was Rarity's sister, Sweetie Belle. "My name is Sweetie Belle. You killed my sister. Prepare to die, MOTHERFUCKER!"

"And Big C," said Dredd. "Although you killed two monsters in self-defense, your plea deal allowed you to testify against the defendants. As such, the jury agrees to revoke your access to firearms for the rest of your life."

"That stinks," I said. "I had to stop them from sucking the life out of me."

"I'm very disappointed in you, Spike," said Twilight Sparkle. "You should know better."

The police handcuffed Spike and Trixie. Spike was sent to the ADX prison in Florence, Colorado. Trixie was sent to the Special Handling Unit in Quebec.

* * *

I took Sam, Anne Maria, Izzy, Gabumon, B-Mo, B, and Dawn to the local malt shop. We each ordered a different flavor.

Me: Butter Pecan

Anne Maria: Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough

B: Strawberry

Izzy: Coffee

Sam: Rocky Road

B-Mo: Chocolate

Gabumon: Vanilla

Dawn: Pistachio

"So," said Gabumon. "We should start a monster hunting club."

"Yeah," we all agreed.

"There is no room for ferals, mutants, and/or monsters," I added. "The Great and Powerful Trixie is absolutely useless, and we need to solve mysteries around town."


End file.
